Friday, 26 June 2009

• Currently No One Does It Better By soulDecision Faded see related

  Big Life Update (As Promised)

  As promised to y'all yesterday, it's time for a big life update blog entry!  Sorry it's taken me so long to get around to blogging lately, but life has been busy!
  
  For the past few months the situation with my family has been fairly calm, but over the past couple of days my family has once again exploded in my face in a way that's completely unavoidable.  A brief recap (since it's been awhile):
  
  When last I blogged about my family, my mom was no longer speaking to my grandma because my grandma had told my mom that it was her (my mom's) fault that her dad (my mom's dad) molested her (my mom) as a child.  Obviously, a really shitty thing to say to your own daughter.  Anywho, despite not speaking to her mom, and only barely speaking to her sister (another story all together), my mom seemed to be doing ok.  Definitely not the suicidal mess she was last year. 
  
  But over the past couple of weeks I've noticed the depressed statements and "woe is me" attitude creeping back into my mom's life.  One day she'd be ecstatic that she lost 10 pounds; the next day she'd be despairing because she had "only" lost 10 pounds on her diet.  My suspicion that my mom wasn't doing so well was confirmed on Wednesday when she called me crying for the first time in several months. 
  
  When I asked her why she was crying she said it was because she felt "helpless" when it came to the situation between her and my grandma.  My mom proceeded to tell me that on Tuesday evening she had had a breakdown of sorts: throwing things, trying to break a mirror, screaming.  Needless to say she really freaked my dad out because he thought she was trying to break the mirror so that she could cut herself.  Not cool. 
  
  I calmly told my mom that though I didn't think throwing and breaking things was the best way to channel her anger, it was definitely better than cutting herself, so if that's what she feels she needs to do then so be it.  Then, in the nicest way possible, I tried to explain to my mom that she was not helpless.  Her situation with my grandma didn’t just happen to her.  She had made a choice, and it was likely the right choice, to not speak to my grandma.  She had made the choice to cut that negativity out of her life.  Now it sucks that she was presented with such shitty options, but they were indeed options and she did indeed make a choice.  I told her that it takes a strong person to make such hard decisions, and that someone who was helpless wouldn’t have been able to do so.  My mom, in true fashion, took what I said to mean that I was mad at her for feeling upset.  If my mom is upset and you don’t present her with an “I’m so sorry for you, your life is horrible, etc. etc.” attitude, then she thinks you’re not “on her side.” 

  Somehow I was able to convince my mom that I wasn’t mad at her and she switched topics to her new favorite subject: “Why didn’t you tell me that you and Dan were trying to have a baby?”  Our conversation went something like this:

  -          Mom: “Why didn’t you tell me that you and Dan were trying to have a baby?”

  -          Me: “Because, it was something that I wanted to keep private between the two of us.  I didn’t want anybody to know.”

  -          Mom: “But I’m not anybody!  I’m your mother!”

  -          Me: “Well I’m sorry, but just because you’re my mom doesn’t mean that I want to tell you EVERYTHING.”

  -          Mom: “But I thought we were close!”

  -          Me: “We are close, but there are some things that I’d just prefer be private.  Haven’t you ever had anything that you just want to keep private?”

  -          Mom: “I wouldn’t if I actually had a mother who cared!”

  That’s where I had to stop the conversation and tell her not to even go there.  She can’t pretend to know what she would do if she had a mother like herself.  Absolutely not.  I will not allow her to compare our relationship to the fantasy mother/daughter relationship she has concocted in her head.  I won’t stand for that.  I will not be compared to impossible standards.

  She, of course, got mad at me and proceeded to hang up on me. 

  Since then she’s calmed down and seems to be doing OK, for the time being, but I can’t help but be concerned with the long term.  I had thought that we were past the meltdowns and the crying phone calls, but I guess not.  I left a message for my mom’s therapist on Wednesday and I hope to talk to her about it this afternoon.  I just want to express my concerns and see if there’s a particular reason that my mom has been regressing lately.  Particularly grueling therapy sessions perhaps?

  But, in completely opposite and happy news, I have a FANTASTIC week ahead of me.  Dan’s brother and sister-in-law and our nephew are going to be in town from Seattle.  I LOVE my brother and sister-in-law and I LOVE my nephew and I’m sooooooooooooooo excited to see them!   We’re going to meet them up at the cabin this afternoon and we’re going to stay up there until Monday.  Then on Monday we’ll come back into the cities and they’re going to stay with Dan and me for the remainder of their trip.  We’re going to go to the Mall of America and the zoo, and it should be an awesome time.  I plan on taking lots of pictures of the course of the next week, so you all will be able to share the excitement with me. 

  Well that’s all for this rambling update, sorry it got a little long.

  I hope y’all have excellent weekends!

       

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